2018, A year in review; Gaming and the Future

You know its funny, 2017 was probably one of the best years ever and going into 2018 I thought that would still be the case, turns out i was wrong, but not in a bad way.. I enjoyed 2018 immensely, i had lots of interesting things happen professionally and a lot of self-reflection personally but it didn't top 2017.

To be honest I've been feeling kind of lost, my life since probably about 2014 has been centered around tabletop gaming. Its because of it I have lots of friends and made new ones. I'm still passionate about running my games regardless of the negativity that has occurred along the way. I've always kinda defined myself by my ability to run a game and so when my players didn't enjoy as much as I would have liked it didn't just make me upset it really hurt me. Similarly, when my players had a great time I would be on cloud 9 for the longest time and I would be very happy about it and everything I did in life seemed more fulfilling would. Neither of those two things are healthy. Here is why:

At the end of the day its a game, its meant to be fun and stress free for players and DM/GM that's not how I have been running my games. These games are not meant to define me as a person (i had a bad game, therefore I'm a bad person; I had a good game therefore I'm a good person) I've been running my games with an iron fist and that's not good, it scared away players and honestly, with the help of my therapist, made me realize these games were actually not healthy for me and made me a mentally unhealthy person But I didn't want to give it up, I still love the game and I still love the feeling of getting a critical hit, so what to do? Well we made a sort of plan based on what he helped me realize: The few games I didn't run with an iron fist I enjoyed immensely and I still do to this day and that is the way it should be. That is how these games are meant to be played and I'm thankful with his help I will be working on overcoming this obstacle with my home games in the future. I'm worried about trying to stay on this path, to make sure there are no iron fists at my table and I'm nervous that I might mess up and scare away more players, or even worse friends. 2019 will be the beginning of this path and I hope I can stay on it.

Gaming stuff aside what else happened? Well, I'm still working in IT and California was set ablaze (these two events are linked I swear). I've been in IT for about 5 years now and as much as I enjoy it I never realized how much it was about the money and less about what I'm interested in. When CA was set ablaze I saw my friends who are active firefighters and EMT workers doing their best to help in any way they could. Meanwhile me, two classes away from finishing my A.S. in Fire Science, sat at my desk and fixed printers. I was given the opportunity to gain a significant amount of knowledge when it came to firefighting that I learned from my time working on my A.S. but I wasn't using it and I felt like a wasted piece of crap. To have skills (EMT skills more than Firefighting) that could legitimately help save someones life and not putting them to use felt like a horrible waste. So come 2019, I'm already registered to go back and get my EMT cert renewed and I want to take up that mantle again. IT wasn't all bad, it gave me the financial stability I needed to comfortably say I can go back to school and start working on something I abandoned years ago at night while still paying my bills and then the time comes I will hopefully have a badge and start helping and actually making a difference in the way I want to make a difference.

Years ago, well, three in fact I wrote my first blog on here entitled "Everyone has a Story"

(you can find that here: https://myblogisanoxymoron.blogspot.com/2015/02/everyones-got-story-introduction.html) and in it I say that everyone has a story, a way they impact the world in the way the see is best. Truth is I didn't really feel I had a story to impact the world and honestly, I still don't think I do but I hope going back to school for EMT work will help me out and if not, at least I tried.

Lastly, what else do I got going for 2019 well i guess its time for the age old tradition of Resolutions well here they are:

1) I want to not hate myself when I look in the mirror - Simply put, I used to be very fit and then I lost all of that and now I want it back not for others but for me)

2) I want to be a healthier person, physically yes but mentally as well. The old adage is "the first step you fixing your problems is acknowledging you have them" and with the help of some special people I decided to go to therapy to help myself get better. I've been doing this for about 4 weeks now and I already feel a happier and more empathetic and I want that to keep going for me.

3) I want to be fully re-certified as an EMT-Basic on a national level. I don't have to be working as an EMT-Basic by the end of 2019 but I would like to say I can have that option again.

4) Something brand new, I want to travel. Something that is usually seen by people my age to be done in their early twenties but hey, better late than never. I have multiple conventions I want to go to and honestly, I think I really want to ring in the new year of 2020 somewhere big. I hope that works out.

That's all for now, I'm not a regular blogger as I always say. When will I be back? who knows? What will it be about? Who knows?! But All I know is 2018 is behind and 2019 is ahead and I want it to be a good one.

Thanks for taking time to read : )